Its been hard to accept that my family of four is now a family of three. At night I lay awake and think of our future and what it will be like. To them it will be their normal and they won’t know anything different, but to me there will always be that hole. I will always recognize it, miss it, and long for it.
On my wedding day I never thought I would become a widow let alone a single mom. I thought Justin and I would raise a family together and grow old together. It’s hard to accept that my life has turned out this way. It’s hard for me to accept that I am now a single mom. It’s just another category I’m placed into that I never thought I would be in.
I enjoyed having a man take care of me. I liked having that feeling of safety to rely on whenever I needed it. I often let fear tell me that I’m not strong enough to do all these “adult” things on my own. The thought of one day living on my own and being responsible for these two boys terrifies me. It keeps me awake at night wondering if I’ll ever actually be able to do it.
I’ve always had this image of what a family should look like. Thats how I thought it was suppose to be and what I thought I would have. It’s been hard to come to terms with how my life has turned out. I have to be honest, there have been times where I have felt envious of other families. Every time I see a father and his kids doing something together I am just reminded of what my kids don’t have.
So this is my reality. I can’t change it, I can only move forward and embrace it. I have to remember that i’m not the only widow out there, I’m not the only single parent out there. Not all families look the same and it helps me to think of that when I start to feel down about it.
I know I’ve said this before, but I believe with my whole heart that people are placed in our lives on purpose. I’ve met so many incredible people throughout my life that I have been able to turn to them in my time of need for advice and encouragement. I have a wonderful friend who is a single mom and I’ve always admired her. In my time of need she gave me some great advice.
“We are not in total control, but the thing we are in control of is our attitude. It’s totally normal to feel a little lost, sad, and angry too. I’m not saying you can’t have days where you feel mad, overwhelmed, sad, and just have a moment or day where you cry, because you will have plenty, but it’s how you choose to live each day. So because of the love that I have for them, I chose each day to live each day for them.”
After reading her text I was able to wipe the tears off my face and keep going. For a second I felt like I could actually do it. I’ve had so many moments through out my life where I almost let anxiety keep me from experiencing something great. It always turned out better than I could have imagined.
I’m trying to remember those moment and not let the anxiety of being a single parent and living alone keep me from something great. I know it will take time to get used to this new normal.
I’m just so grateful I have friends and family to help me along the way. So I’m going to take her advice and I am going to try hard to choose them and live each day for them! Its not easy and some days I struggle with how my life turned out
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