Looking back on 2018

As 2019 approaches I’ve been reflecting back on 2018 and so many emotions flow through me. How is it possible to have so much joy, but also so much sorrow in one year. I gained and lost. As new life entered this world, life also left it. I can’t say this was the worst year of my life, because it was also the best year of my life. The twins give me a purpose now and bring so much happiness in a time of so much sadness. You can understand now when I say, I have mixed emotions about 2018.

As I go into 2019 my goal is to focus on the now. I don’t want to be constantly living in the past or future. I want to enjoy the things I have right in front of me. (easier said than done)

Focusing on the now has always been one of the hardest things for me to do. I’m a planner so I like to focus on the future. I used to always say to myself  “I’ll be happy once this happens…” I don’t think I’ll ever be perfect at living in the now, but I want to try and work on it.

Since Justin passed away I’ve been stuck in the past and constantly worried about my future. I think about our life together and how happy it was. I long for that feeling and want it back so badly. I also believe there is a difference between living in the past and visiting the past. It’s important to keep talking about Justin and the happy life we shared, but not live there so often that I can’t function in the now. Some days all I do is dwell on the past and I end up laying in bed all day wishing I could go back. I honestly think this might be a battle I will fight the rest of my life. I’m starting to realize that maybe this is grief. We can’t go back to how life was, but where do we fit in now? How do I focus on the now, but still keep Justin apart of me.

On top of dwelling on my past, I worry about my future. What will happen to me? Will I ever be strong enough to live on my own? These questions haunt me and I’m stuck in between past and future.

That is why I’ve made it my goal this year to focus on the now. I want to enjoy the boys at each stage of their life. I want to stop worrying about what might happen and enjoy what’s happening now. I hope that I can find a way to balance past, present, and future in a way that I’m present.

I’m aware I need to be kinder to myself and it’s only been six months since he has passed. That is why I’m making this a goal because I’m not there yet, but it’s something I want to work on. Being present for everyone in my life!