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Coco's Caravan

I am relieved cancer is out of my life!

in My Story on 01/30/19

The other day I got a message from someone saying that I looked like I was doing well. This message really made me stop and think and that’s why I decided to write this post.

When Justin was first diagnosed with cancer I had no idea the world we were about to enter. Cancer has its own community, language and terminology. We had no clue.

In a world of cancer we lived in constant worry and anxiety. I always had a black cloud hovering over me, no matter what I did or where I went. There were moments of joy where I would forget the dark cloud, but it never truly left.

We had to change everything about our life because of cancer. We had to rewire our brains to learn how to live in this new world. When we went to church every Sunday we were thinking about where we would sit so we wouldn’t get sick.  When we went grocery shopping we were thinking about what foods would help fight cancer and foods that would be harmful. When I cleaned our home I had to avoid scents that would cause Justin to throw up. When we traveled we had to work around chemo treatments. I lived like this for five years and after awhile I forgot what normal life was like. We got so used to it, we made it our new normal.

I can’t imagine anything worse than having to watch someone you love go through cancer. There were times when I would sit and cry listening to Justin throw up in the other room. I always felt so helpless and wished I could just take the pain away. He tried so hard to hide his pain, but I knew he was miserable.

He went through all of that pain and misery because he loved me. How could I not believe at times it was my fault he was in so much pain. Cancer is cruel because it not only physically hurts the ones you love, but it makes you think it’s your fault. It was my fault he was in pain because I wanted him to be here with me, I wanted him to live.

I had spent five long years living in this world. Our family and close friends were there at times along the way, but I was the one with him every second of every day. I saw all the pain and all the hurt. The anxiety never left and I was never free from the dark cloud.

At the end we were both so tired and it was truly hard finding the strength to keep fighting.  A couple days after Justin had passed away I heard a noise in the other room that sounded like Justin throwing up. Without even thinking twice I got up quickly to grab a bucket and run it over towards the noise. My body had been in that world for so long it reacted without my brain being aware of the reality of the situation.

I had a lot of emotions when Justin passed away and one of them was relief. I felt relief because he was no longer in pain. I didn’t have to watch him suffer anymore and I knew he was finally at peace.

I wanted to write this post because I feel like it’s important for people to know that part of me is doing well and part of me is still struggling. I miss Justin more than anything, but I don’t miss living in the world of cancer. I am doing well in the fact that I’m not consumed with anxiety and fear anymore. I’m doing well because cancer is no longer controlling my life. That was a heavy burden and I carried it for a long time.

Knowing that Justin isn’t suffering anymore brings so much peace. I constantly remind myself that on the hard days when I miss him terribly. He is no longer in pain and cancer is no longer apart of my life. I am relieved it is gone and I feel free again.

You can read more about my story here

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  1. Jenny says

    June 12, 2022 at 8:14 am

    I think that it totally normal!
    As the patient and not the caregiver, I completely agree with this and understand the relief that one must feel.

    Even in remission, there is still the looming worry, the maintenance meds, the scans, the second-guessing of every symptom.

    Cancer changes everything.

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welcome
Hi I’m Jenn, but my friends call me Coco. I recently lost the love of my life to cancer. I’m now a single mom of IVF miracle twin boys. I hope to help others as I share my journey as a new widow and mother of twins.

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Working on a blog post showing how I organize thei Working on a blog post showing how I organize their Lego system! So make sure you follow along and subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss it! Link in bio to subscribe! Comment “coco” to get a DM to subscribe! #lego #legoorganization #toyorganization
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Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch! We have had so much stinkin fun with the @rooandyou play couch. We are doing obstacle courses, building forts, jumping and sliding! It’s been so much fun! #rooper #favoritefriday #playcouch #playcouchbuilds #ambassador #gifted
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My favorite account to follow for book recommendations is @everydayreading go check them out! I love their account! ❤️
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Why do you take photos? I’ll never stop sharing Why do you take photos? I’ll never stop sharing the importance of taking photos and saving memories! You will never regret not saving a memory! 

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It can be a lonely life sometimes 💔 #grief #gri It can be a lonely life sometimes 💔 #grief #griefandloss #youngwidow
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I wish I had one nice photo of just me pregnant. I I wish I had one nice photo of just me pregnant. I wish I had taken a photo of Justin and I together when I was pregnant. After he got really sick I just didn’t want to take photos because it made me sad. I regret that now 💔 #takethephoto #photosarememories #photosareforever #widow #youngwidow #griefandloss #grief
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My first organization blog post for March! How to My first organization blog post for March! How to organize your tv stand! Link in stories or bio to get to blog post! #organization #videogames #videogameorganization #tvstand
My aunt and uncle took the boys to visit my parent My aunt and uncle took the boys to visit my parents in Canada this week. I was so grateful because I’ve been able to work and get some projects done at home and my parents were able to see the boys! I’ll be sending an email out Sunday sharing more pics from their time in Canada. Comment “coco” to get a DM with a link to subscribe to my blog so you won’t miss the email!
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A year ago today I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to fly to LA and meet Katie Couric. I also met some amazing women and we were able to talk about the toll of a cancer diagnosis. Help people feel less alone in the cancer world. @katiecouric @katiecouricmedia #cancer #cancerawareness #cancerdiagnosis
Thought I’d post on my feed because a lot of you Thought I’d post on my feed because a lot of you have said you don’t see my stories anymore.  My aunt and uncle are taking my boys to visit my parents in Canada. I wanted a break and my parents wanted to see the boys so this just worked out so well! 

Going to be getting all the stuff done this week that I’ve been wanting to do, but I hope I plan in fun/relax time as well! 

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How I’ve been feeling lately 😞 it’s just to How I’ve been feeling lately 😞 it’s just too much! Anyone else feel like this? 

Maybe we aren’t suppose to be doing it all at once but when I let some things go I feel guilty. It makes sense we are meant to have a partner in life. Playing both roles is weighing on me. Hard to be mom and dad, managing the home, be the only income. At the end of the day if something needs to get done it’s on me. No one to lean on or go through it with. 😢 #singleparents #youngwidow #widow #parenting #lifequotes #quotes
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cocoscaravan

Working on a blog post showing how I organize thei Working on a blog post showing how I organize their Lego system! So make sure you follow along and subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss it! Link in bio to subscribe! Comment “coco” to get a DM to subscribe! #lego #legoorganization #toyorganization
Using the @rooandyou play couch as skyscrapers and Using the @rooandyou play couch as skyscrapers and bridges! #rooper 

Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch.
Comment “photo” below to see my full blog post Comment “photo” below to see my full blog post all about how to create this photoshoot at home. I link their suits and props on the blog post as well! I’d love to see the photos you take! Tag me! #easter #easterphotoshoot #easterpictures #easterpic #diyphotoshoot #kidsphotoshoot
Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch! We have had so much stinkin fun with the @rooandyou play couch. We are doing obstacle courses, building forts, jumping and sliding! It’s been so much fun! #rooper #favoritefriday #playcouch #playcouchbuilds #ambassador #gifted
What’s your favorite children’s book for kids? What’s your favorite children’s book for kids? Went to the Library #libraryday #readingisfun #twins #momlife #dayinthelife

My favorite account to follow for book recommendations is @everydayreading go check them out! I love their account! ❤️
Comment “photos” to see my course. Also check Comment “photos” to see my course. Also check out my blog for more Easter Photoshoot ideas. Link in bio! #easterphotoshoot #easterphoto #diyphotoshoot #diyphotography
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