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How cancer and infertility strengthened my desire to be a mother

When Justin was in the hospital right before the twins were born I was in a dark place. Justin and I had always faced the unknown together and we had so much faith he would be okay. That hospital stay was the first time I realized he might not live. I felt so alone and depressed, I was terrified of having these babies without him.

During that time I questioned our decision to have kids and wondered if we had made the right choice. The thought of having these kids and raising them without him was unbearable. Once I met the boys I knew I was suppose to have them and I was suppose to be their mom. They brought so much joy in a time of so much sorrow.

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mother. When Justin was diagnosed with cancer they told us the tumor had already affected his body and we might not be able to have kids of our own. We had only been married a couple of months and having kids was the last thing on our minds, but when they told us we might not be able to have kids I was crushed. I wasn’t ready at the moment to be a mother, but I knew at some point I wanted that. I felt like the choice had been taken from me and somehow that felt harder. You don’t realize what you have until its gone and I think that helped us want kids sooner rather than later.

We were thrilled when we learned we could try and have our own kids through in vitro fertilization. We went through the process and transfered an embryo in December 2016. When the news came that it didn’t work I was devastated. I was pretty depressed after that and it was hard for me to be excited for my friends who were announcing their pregnancies. I remember having to mourn the loss of that embryo. I wanted a baby so badly and was worried I might never get the chance to be a mother. We tried again the following summer and were thrilled when my test came back positive. My chance of being a mother was actually going to happen.

I’m grateful for these two experiences in my journey of becoming a mother. As Justins health declined the reality of me becoming a single parent was hitting me. I started to question our decision and didn’t think I could do it on my own. I was able to look back on these two experiences and remember how I had felt when the doctors told us we might never have kids. I remembered how sad I was and how badly I wanted to be a mother. This helped me realize that I had made the right choice and this is what I was suppose to do.

I have no doubt in my mind the twins were meant to be here for a reason. They are the reason I get up each day and live life. I don’t want grief to take away their childhood. I want them to experience everything we would have done if Justin were still here. Some days I want to lay in bed all day, but then I don’t want them to miss out on fun things. They help me get up and be present. I would be lost today if it wasn’t for them! I am so grateful to be their mother!

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