From Widowhood to Remarriage: Will We Have More Kids?
This is one question “will we have more kids” I get asked the most lately. The honest answer? I don’t know.
I’ve actually talked about this long before Grant and I were together. Even then, I wasn’t sure if I wanted more children. It’s never been a simple yes or no for me. When people hear that, they sometimes assume it means I don’t love being a mom. The truth is the opposite. Being a mom is my favorite thing I’ve ever done.
But I’ve also learned a lot about myself over the last eight years. I struggle with anxiety. I get overwhelmed easily. And the boys birth is tied to a lot of trauma and loss. What should have been one of the happiest times of my life was also one of the hardest. Becoming a mom and losing Justin happened almost simultaneously. Those experiences are forever intertwined.
Because of that, I’ve always tried to be honest with myself about what I can realistically handle. For me, it’s more important to be a present, engaged, healthy mom of two than a stressed, anxious, checked out mom of three or four.
One thing that’s important to know is that Grant doesn’t have children of his own. Because of that, this wasn’t a conversation we avoided or saved for later. It was actually something we talked about very early on, long before our relationship became serious. In fact, this wasn’t just a conversation I had with Grant. It was something I was open about while dating in general.
I was completely okay dating someone who already had children. The bigger question for me was whether I personally wanted to have another child myself. And I simply didn’t know the answer. Before Grant, I went on a few dates with someone who was very clear from the beginning that he wanted children of his own someday. I remember feeling a lot of anxiety around that because I felt like I should know my answer. Was I someone who wanted more kids or not?
I spent a lot of time thinking about it. The truth was that I couldn’t confidently say yes. Things ultimately didn’t work out with that person, but I’m actually grateful for the way that experience pushed me to reflect on what I wanted. It also taught me that anyone I dated seriously deserved honesty. They deserved to know where I stood, even if my answer wasn’t perfectly clear.
So when I started dating again, I knew this was a conversation that needed to happen early. When Grant and I talked about it, I was very open that I wasn’t sure I wanted more children someday. I didn’t want anyone to assume my answer would eventually become yes.
One of the things that meant so much to me was that Grant reassured me over and over that he was happy with the boys and me. He wasn’t looking at our relationship as something that was incomplete without having biological children together. He loved the family we already were building. That took away a lot of pressure.
The boys are growing up. They’re becoming more independent. We can travel more easily. Life feels a little less chaotic than it did a few years ago. And if I’m being completely honest, there are parts of this stage that I really love. At the same time, I’ve learned never to say never. Life has surprised me before. If you had asked me a few years ago if I’d be getting married again, I probably would have laughed. Yet here we are.
I also wanted to share this because I know I’m not the only person who gets asked this question. You don’t have to be a widow, be getting remarried in your 30s, or even be in the same situation as me to hear questions about having more children. For so many people, it’s a topic that comes up from family, friends, coworkers, or even complete strangers.
And while most people mean well, it can be a surprisingly difficult question to answer. For some people, the answer is obvious. For others, it’s complicated. Some people are struggling with infertility. Some are grieving. Some are weighing their mental health, finances, relationships, or simply trying to figure out what they want.
I think we often feel pressure to have a clear answer, but sometimes the most honest answer is, “I don’t know,” or even, “Not right now.” I realize not everyone is comfortable talking about these things publicly, but I’ve spent so many years sharing the messy, complicated parts of life that it feels natural for me. If sharing my experience helps even one person feel less alone in their uncertainty, then it’s worth it.
And if you’re someone who has wrestled with these same questions, just know you’re not alone. It’s okay if your answer doesn’t look like someone else’s. It’s okay if your answer changes. And it’s okay if you’re still figuring it out.
So when people ask if we’ll have more kids, the answer right now is no. We’re not trying for more children, and we’re not making plans to expand our family. Truthfully, we’re really happy with life exactly as it is.We love this stage with the boys. We love our routines, our travels, our family adventures, and the life we’re building together. After so many years of surviving, it feels really good to simply enjoy where we are.
That doesn’t mean we’ll feel the same way forever. I’ve learned that life has a funny way of surprising me, so I’m a big believer in never saying never. But if you’re asking where we stand today, we’re happy. We’re content.