Grief during celebration: Justin’s brother’s wedding

Grief during celebration. I’ve learned a couple things about grief since Justin has died. One is that grief will always be a part of my life. The second thing I’ve learned is that you can feel grief and happiness at the same time. Justin’s brother got married this week and the day was full of so much joy and celebration, but also sadness and grief.

It was very apparent that someone was missing that day. The wedding took place up in the mountains and you couldn’t ask for a more beautiful backdrop to a bride walking down the aisle. Everyone saw beautiful colors of greens and blues, but through my eyes it was all gray. Once you enter the world of grief you begin to see the world differently.

Weddings are extremely hard for me. I had been to one before this and I cried for hours afterwards. It’s hard not to think about the day I got married to Justin and how happy we were. How excited we were to start a life together. This wedding was extra hard and I honestly debated if I should go or not. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get through it.

Justin would have been the proudest and happiest big brother that day. Would have been his best man and biggest support as his younger brother started this new life journey. The day was full of “if he was here..” thoughts.

There were awkward moments when the photographer asked for all of Matts siblings to get in the photo. It felt as if we were in one of those dreams when everything is in slow motion. We were all fumbling over our words trying to explain that he actually had three siblings, but one was not there. That everyone had their partner and I would be standing alone. I just felt awkward at times, but Justin’s family was so sweet and made sure I felt included.

The day was hard and at times I was really struggling, but it was also joyful and full of celebration. I’m so glad I went and it was so good for my boys to be there to see their uncle Matt get married. The boys started to ask about Justin and I’s wedding day. So we were able to have a sweet decision about it. It was good for them to be there.

The boys and I are so excited for Matt and Sydney. So happy to have her in the family!

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