I never would have thought last year would be Justin and I’s last Valentine’s day together. I’ve never really been a fan of Valentine’s Day, but this year I’ve been dreading it. This is just one of many days this year I’m not looking forward to. It’s been hard experiencing all the “first” without Justin. Surprisingly Thanksgiving was harder than christmas. Justin was never as enthusiastic about Christmas as I was. He did have an obsession with food, therefore Thanksgiving was always his favorite. That was a hard Holiday to get through.
I think Valentine’s Day will be hard, not because we liked the holiday, but because it’s all about love. It’s more of a reminder that my love is gone now. It’s a reminder that I’m a widow. A reminder that I’m alone.
I miss being loved and I miss loving someone. I’ll miss his surprise flowers at work or surprise breakfast in bed. I’ll miss surprising him with cases of mountain dew. This holiday is just a reminder of what I no longer have.
It’s also going to be hard because it was Valentine’s Day last year when he was admitted into the hospital. I remember being sad that we were stuck in a hospital instead of going out to a dinner and a movie. Little did we know it was the day that started the downhill spiral.
Leading up to this day Justin had been sick for weeks. At first we thought it was just a cold, but we knew it was serious when his fever wouldn’t go down. We called his oncology nurse and she told us to come in right away. I think Justin knew he probably should have gone in sooner, but the idea of going back to the hospital was more than he could handle. I had to really convince him to call and get him there.
We got in the jeep and started the dreaded hour drive to the hospital. I tried so hard to fight back tears and be positive for him. I knew he was terrified of going back to that place and me crying wasn’t going to help him get there.
As each new nurse entered the room they wished us a happy Valentines Day followed by a “sorry you have to celebrate in the hospital.” I remember thinking we would just make up for it next year. I never would have thought it would be our last.
I’ve never been a huge fan of this Holiday, but it will still be hard. I hope that as the boys get older we can turn it into something fun instead. I tried to do that with a fun photoshoot which helped get my mind off things. I hope that I can see it like that instead of the day that started the downhill spiral. The day that lead to the worst days of my life. This is always going to be a hard time of year for me.
Thanks for everyone support! It really keeps me moving forward!
Aunt Kathy? says
I remember that day vividly. I too have thought about the both of you as this day approaches one year later. But you do still have his love and the love of so many others. I know it’s not quite the same but I pray that you feel Justin near this week and that you’ll feel his arms around you. I’ve never seen anyone love someone more than Justin loves you. He got through as much and as long as he did because HE LOVES YOU!!!! That is no small thing and so many people in this world never get even close to feeling that kind of love. How blessed you are for that amazing gift. You are always in our prayers Jennifer. You are going through something I know I will never experience so I don’t know how you feel. I can only feel a fraction of it because I love you kids too. I hope each day you can move a little more forward and you’re right, making it fun and exciting for the boys is now the focus. I do hope it can be a “happy” day and that all of your days can be just that. Love you sweetie. ❤️?
No words can describe the feelings that you must have been through….
I wish that you stay healthy, happy and may you have everything that you wish for in your life… Just like the way he must have wanted everything for you….
He was lucky to have u as a partner and you were lucky to have him too. However he is probably hugging from above and sending flowers and kisses from heaven. Valentine now will be the celebration of his life on earth and the reminders that one day u two will have one more chance to said happy valentines
Oh girl….. i am speechless.
It is hard for you and it won’t stop to be hard.
Still you have “his eyes” in your boys.
I know it is hard not to feel him, his arms, smile, voice, smell.
You can handle this, you can do this.
I don’t know you but I feel for you.
All my love for you beautiful girl.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It made me think of that man and his daughter that lost their wife/mom , last year on this day 😓 Treagan White I think.
I followed her. So so sad