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Coco's Caravan

My Fertility Journey: Part 1

in My Story on 04/28/22

My fertility journey

So many thoughts went racing through my mind. Will I ever be able to get pregnant the natural way? What if we never get the chance to see what our kids would look like. Will we even be able to have kids of our own? I couldn’t sit in that doctor’s office for one more second. I could feel the pressure in my chest building and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold my tears back for much longer. I excused myself to the bathroom and hid myself in one of the back stalls. It was like a damn broke and all my emotions from the past few days bursted out of me. Continue reading below.

my fertility journey

Table of Contents

  • My fertility journey: Part 1 
  • Subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss it
  • More stories about fertility
  • Read more about my full story HERE

My fertility journey: Part 1 

Justin and I had only been married a couple months when he was diagnosed with cancer. (You can read more of our story HERE.) Our lives were turned upside down and instead of enjoying our newlywed life we were in doctor appointments talking about chemo and treatment plans. We hit the cancer world full force going to multiple doctor appointments, scans, and procedures. 

We were in one of our appointments with Justin’s oncologist when he suggested we meet with a fertility doctor. It was one of those moments where everyone and everything freezes around you. My brain took a second to catch up with what he had just said. It hadn’t even crossed my mind. The focus was Justin and his cancer, we didn’t think about what that could mean for our future as parents. 

As some of you know chemotherapy treatment can cause harm to the sperm. Justin needed to start chemo as soon as possible, which meant we didn’t have the luxury to wait in making a decision about fertility treatments and options. It was a lot to take in all at once and we were both so overwhelmed. We knew we wanted kids someday so of course we scheduled an appointment with a fertility doctor.

The fertility doctor we met with specialized in fertility and cancer patients. She knew all about the type of cancer Justin had which helped. I really didn’t know what to expect. I thought Justin would just give a sperm sample and we could use it later in life. I was very wrong. 

The doctor explained that the tumor had possibly already affected his sperm. We were told there was a chance his sperm would not be viable at all. Of course at this point my anxiety had completely taken over my mind and body. I jumped into a worse case scenario and I was spiraling into hopelessness. 

Will I ever be able to get pregnant the natural way? Will we get the chance to see what our kids would look like. Will we even be able to have kids of our own? Will I even have a husband? I couldn’t sit in that doctor’s office for one more second. I could feel the pressure in my chest building and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold my tears back for much longer. I excused myself to the bathroom and hid myself in one of the back stalls. It was like a damn broke and all my emotions from the past few days bursted out of me. 

It took all the strength left in me to calm down and stop crying. I splashed water on my face and tried to make it look like I hadn’t just been sobbing. I needed to be strong for Justin. I had taken his phone with me and I needed to get back to him. As I was walking back to the appointment a notification popped up on his phone replying to a text he had sent out to our family. He had sent them a text saying “Pray for Jenn, she is not doing well.” 

Here he is the one with cancer and he is thinking about how I’m doing. I guess it had just hit me that I wasn’t doing well. It was a lot to take in. I tried to make it look like I hadn’t just been crying, but Justin knew the second he looked at me. 

The timing was not so great because from that appointment Justin had to go bank sperm, which was not so fun. It was honestly one of the hardest days we had with his cancer journey. 

I was so anxious waiting for the results. Will we be able to have kids of our own someday? My mind kept bouncing back between cancer and fertility. It was honestly too much to handle.

Finally we met with the doctor to go over his sperm results. She explained that normal male sperm is greater than 15 million sperm per milliliter. Justin had 4 million which meant the tumor had indeed already affected his sperm. They were able to freeze 5 vials. She said in the future we could do artificial insemination, but would have to combine 3 to 4 vials and it would give us a 10% chance of getting pregnant. Or we could do in vitro fertilization and that would give us a 50% chance of getting pregnant. 

She also explained that some men are able to produce sperm after chemotherapy, but sometimes the Chemo can change the DNA of the sperm which would cause miscarriages or birth defects. 

The chances were low, but there was a chance. We decided to believe we would have our own kids one day and then put this part of our fertility journey on a mental shelf. We stored that hope aside and put 100% of our focus into beating Justin’s cancer. 

This quote below describes exactly how I felt finding out that we might not be able to have kids of our own. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but when I was told that might not happen.. I wanted it even more. It was extremely hard.

“People say you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.” 

Part two of my fertility journey coming soon

Subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss it

More stories about fertility

This week is Fertility awareness week. I shared a story of one of my good friends and her journey with fertility. You can read that HERE.

Read more about my full story HERE

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Hi I’m Jenn, but my friends call me Coco. I recently lost the love of my life to cancer. I’m now a single mom of IVF miracle twin boys. I hope to help others as I share my journey as a new widow and mother of twins.

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My aunt and uncle took the boys to visit my parent My aunt and uncle took the boys to visit my parents in Canada this week. I was so grateful because I’ve been able to work and get some projects done at home and my parents were able to see the boys! I’ll be sending an email out Sunday sharing more pics from their time in Canada. Comment “coco” to get a DM with a link to subscribe to my blog so you won’t miss the email!
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Maybe we aren’t suppose to be doing it all at once but when I let some things go I feel guilty. It makes sense we are meant to have a partner in life. Playing both roles is weighing on me. Hard to be mom and dad, managing the home, be the only income. At the end of the day if something needs to get done it’s on me. No one to lean on or go through it with. 😢 #singleparents #youngwidow #widow #parenting #lifequotes #quotes
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Working on a blog post showing how I organize thei Working on a blog post showing how I organize their Lego system! So make sure you follow along and subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss it! Link in bio to subscribe! Comment “coco” to get a DM to subscribe! #lego #legoorganization #toyorganization
Using the @rooandyou play couch as skyscrapers and Using the @rooandyou play couch as skyscrapers and bridges! #rooper 

Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch.
Comment “photo” below to see my full blog post Comment “photo” below to see my full blog post all about how to create this photoshoot at home. I link their suits and props on the blog post as well! I’d love to see the photos you take! Tag me! #easter #easterphotoshoot #easterpictures #easterpic #diyphotoshoot #kidsphotoshoot
Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch Comment “Joey” to get a link to the play couch! We have had so much stinkin fun with the @rooandyou play couch. We are doing obstacle courses, building forts, jumping and sliding! It’s been so much fun! #rooper #favoritefriday #playcouch #playcouchbuilds #ambassador #gifted
What’s your favorite children’s book for kids? What’s your favorite children’s book for kids? Went to the Library #libraryday #readingisfun #twins #momlife #dayinthelife

My favorite account to follow for book recommendations is @everydayreading go check them out! I love their account! ❤️
Comment “photos” to see my course. Also check Comment “photos” to see my course. Also check out my blog for more Easter Photoshoot ideas. Link in bio! #easterphotoshoot #easterphoto #diyphotoshoot #diyphotography
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